Occurred October-November 2009; Written January 2010. Part 2 of 2.
If you read my previous post, you’re aware that my father has an uncanny ability at medical diagnosis. He informed me I was afflicted with TSB; Toxic Sperm Buildup. It occurs when a male has no girlfriend, no dates, and no prospects. It results in no sex; hence the sperm buildup. The disease’s side effects include, but are not limited to, a general sense of unease, self-loathing, and a trash can filled with violated fruit.
A week or two later, I was able to look back and chuckle at my dad’s email. Perhaps he had a valid point. If I’m ever going to get out of this funk, I have to make things happen for myself. I can’t sit at home masturbating to internet porn and call it companionship.
I need to dust myself off and get back in the game. It had been 2 years since I asked a girl on a date now was the time to change. I went out for drinks with the guys that night, but was always thinking about my TSB and how to cure it. After 13 or 14 beers and arriving home, I decided NOW was the moment to do something about it. I wasn’t going to ask friends to introduce me to their single lady friends. No, I needed something now. I was motivated (and alcohol handicapped) and needed to act. Like so many other desperate men my age, I sent out some emails to a few lucky ladies on MySpace.
The ladies were chosen for very good reasons, things you can really build a relationship on. In other words, all of their profile pictures were them sitting around in their bras, bikinis, or low cut shirts.
I felt great as I tucked myself in and gave a little snuggle time to my favorite friend. I imagined waking up in the morning with a full Inbox and dates lined up for every night of the week. Cindy, the beautiful girl from Arizona and living in Seoul, seemed the most likely candidate for marriage and carrying my offspring. I slept soundly and I’m pretty sure with a smile on my face.
16 hours later, I awoke. My pain could only be compared to childbirth. Continue reading