Daily Archives: February 9, 2010

Life with TSB — I’m a Survivor

Occurred October-November 2009; Written January 2010.  Part 2 of 2.

If you read my previous post, you’re aware that my father has an uncanny ability at medical diagnosis.  He informed me I was afflicted with TSB; Toxic Sperm Buildup.  It occurs when a male has no girlfriend, no dates, and no prospects.  It results in no sex; hence the sperm buildup.  The disease’s side effects include, but are not limited to, a general sense of unease, self-loathing, and a trash can filled with violated fruit.

A week or two later, I was able to look back and chuckle at my dad’s email.  Perhaps he had a valid point.  If I’m ever going to get out of this funk, I have to make things happen for myself.  I can’t sit at home masturbating to internet porn and call it companionship.

I need to dust myself off and get back in the game.  It had been 2 years since I asked a girl on a date now was the time to change.  I went out for drinks with the guys that night, but was always thinking about my TSB and how to cure it.  After 13 or 14 beers and arriving home, I decided NOW was the moment to do something about it.  I wasn’t going to ask friends to introduce me to their single lady friends.  No, I needed something now.  I was motivated (and alcohol handicapped) and needed to act.  Like so many other desperate men my age, I sent out some emails to a few lucky ladies on MySpace.

The ladies were chosen for very good reasons, things you can really build a relationship on.  In other words, all of their profile pictures were them sitting around in their bras, bikinis, or low cut shirts.

I felt great as I tucked myself in and gave a little snuggle time to my favorite friend.  I imagined waking up in the morning with a full Inbox and dates lined up for every night of the week.  Cindy, the beautiful girl from Arizona and living in Seoul, seemed the most likely candidate for marriage and carrying my offspring.  I slept soundly and I’m pretty sure with a smile on my face.

16 hours later, I awoke.  My pain could only be compared to childbirth.  Continue reading

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Filed under Dating, Humour

The Theory of Non Resistance

Occurred October-November 2009; Written January 2010.  Part 1 of 2.

This true-life story of a hero is at sometimes crass, chauvinistic, and filled with sexual content.  If you find it disturbing to imagine me naked and copulating in a field of wheat while shooting off fireworks, you should stop reading this immediately.

I have not always been so caring and empathetic towards women.  There were times that I may have lied for sex:  I’m rich.  Look at my hands; they’re HUGE (as I hold up my hand stuffed inside a giant prosthetic hand)! I really like you, there’s a future here.  You’re nothing like your mother.  No, the smell doesn’t bother me.

In college, I was a bit of a social scientist specializing in male-female sexual behavior.  As someone who wasn’t getting any on a regular basis, I felt qualified to postulate on the behavior of all men when put in a sexual situation.

On one particular evening, while hanging out with friends, I took a massive bong hit and was overcome by a coughing fit and the sudden realization that:  1) I should learn to play the guitar because I’m an artist at heart, and 2) the Theory of Non-Resistance.
Continue reading

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Filed under Dating, Humour, Travel

“It’s What You Do That Defines You.” I think that comes from Batman.

A man should have hobbies and interests.  I am no different.  Here’s a few of mine:

I enjoy the outdoor sports of Sasquatch hunting, grave robbing, and growing bananas.

I enjoy the indoor sports of dry humping, drinking Jack and Cokes, and barbequing chihuahuas.

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Filed under Humour