Beginning in March, I will be a writing instructor at a women’s university in Seoul, South Korea. At first, I raised my hands to Heaven and thanked the Almighty for such a precious gift.
I imagined that my lectures would not only be a place of tapping into their creative spirits, but also a place where 40 beautiful 20-year old women and one older man could have massive pillow fights where we’re all laughing and accidentally falling on top of each other.
When not pillow fighting, we would have meaningful conversations about their awful boyfriends during my private office hours. Continue reading
Occurred October-November 2009; Written January 2010. Part 2 of 2.
If you read my previous post, you’re aware that my father has an uncanny ability at medical diagnosis. He informed me I was afflicted with TSB; Toxic Sperm Buildup. It occurs when a male has no girlfriend, no dates, and no prospects. It results in no sex; hence the sperm buildup. The disease’s side effects include, but are not limited to, a general sense of unease, self-loathing, and a trash can filled with violated fruit.
A week or two later, I was able to look back and chuckle at my dad’s email. Perhaps he had a valid point. If I’m ever going to get out of this funk, I have to make things happen for myself. I can’t sit at home masturbating to internet porn and call it companionship.
I need to dust myself off and get back in the game. It had been 2 years since I asked a girl on a date now was the time to change. I went out for drinks with the guys that night, but was always thinking about my TSB and how to cure it. After 13 or 14 beers and arriving home, I decided NOW was the moment to do something about it. I wasn’t going to ask friends to introduce me to their single lady friends. No, I needed something now. I was motivated (and alcohol handicapped) and needed to act. Like so many other desperate men my age, I sent out some emails to a few lucky ladies on MySpace.
The ladies were chosen for very good reasons, things you can really build a relationship on. In other words, all of their profile pictures were them sitting around in their bras, bikinis, or low cut shirts.
I felt great as I tucked myself in and gave a little snuggle time to my favorite friend. I imagined waking up in the morning with a full Inbox and dates lined up for every night of the week. Cindy, the beautiful girl from Arizona and living in Seoul, seemed the most likely candidate for marriage and carrying my offspring. I slept soundly and I’m pretty sure with a smile on my face.
16 hours later, I awoke. My pain could only be compared to childbirth. Continue reading
Filed under Dating, Humour
Occurred October-November 2009; Written January 2010. Part 1 of 2.
This true-life story of a hero is at sometimes crass, chauvinistic, and filled with sexual content. If you find it disturbing to imagine me naked and copulating in a field of wheat while shooting off fireworks, you should stop reading this immediately.
I have not always been so caring and empathetic towards women. There were times that I may have lied for sex: I’m rich. Look at my hands; they’re HUGE (as I hold up my hand stuffed inside a giant prosthetic hand)! I really like you, there’s a future here. You’re nothing like your mother. No, the smell doesn’t bother me.
In college, I was a bit of a social scientist specializing in male-female sexual behavior. As someone who wasn’t getting any on a regular basis, I felt qualified to postulate on the behavior of all men when put in a sexual situation.
On one particular evening, while hanging out with friends, I took a massive bong hit and was overcome by a coughing fit and the sudden realization that: 1) I should learn to play the guitar because I’m an artist at heart, and 2) the Theory of Non-Resistance.
A man should have hobbies and interests. I am no different. Here’s a few of mine:
I enjoy the outdoor sports of Sasquatch hunting, grave robbing, and growing bananas.
I enjoy the indoor sports of dry humping, drinking Jack and Cokes, and barbequing chihuahuas.
Occurred November 2009, Written February 2010.
I currently live in Seoul, South Korea. I will let that sink in for a moment. Breathe it in. Oh yeah, pretty awesome.
Many months ago, I broke up with my non-Korean and very Jewish Canadian girlfriend. She was beautiful and insane. We suffered each others existence for a year and a half. Recently I made the decision to start dating again.
I was ready to put my emotions on the line; to take a risk for love. If you’re not lovin’, you’re not livin’ (You can put that on a fortune cookie, I won’t sue).
Or was it because Mr. Dangles demanded it? Anyways, Mr. Dangles or not, I was going to give it another go.
As someone very experienced in the dating world, I can say with 100% certainty that the best place to meet women is the internet. It’s a gold mine of insecurities, lack of self-respect, and women who take pictures of themselves in their underwear and then ask, “Why don’t men respect me?” This was where I was going to find the future Mrs. Powers.
Long story short, I met a young lady named Choeun. Choeun is a brilliant artist and a very attractive woman. We exchanged emails and decided to meet in person. Choeun lived 3 hours south of me. I imagined that we would have to meet halfway in the middle and I would spend over $100 on a train ticket to see a woman I had never met before. Luckily, Choeun hates herself and is desperate for male approval, so she hopped on a train and met me in Seoul.
I’m here, writing to you today, because you need me. My life is awesome; I will allow you to live vicariously through me. See the world through my lens of awesomeness.
I am a “professor” (by trade), writer (by passion), comic (because I’m funny), and world traveler (you are correct, because I travel the world).
I am a citizen of the United States, but have lived in Taiwan, South Korea, Indonesia, and the United Arab Emirates. I’ve traveled to over twenty countries and I’m just getting warmed up.
These are the true stories of my life, plus a few random ramblings. You will find them hilarious. You will leave me comments such as “You’re hilarious!” and then you will tell your friends about my awesome site. Believe.
Filed under Humour, Travel