Tag Archives: advice

Powers’ Wisdom. Gospel? Not quite, but close.

I have just a few days left of teaching children.  I have spent approximately 5 years educating young minds; ages 4 to 14.  This all comes to an end this Friday, February 19th.  My next employer is a private women’s university located in central Seoul, South Korea.

I can look back and honestly say, “Yeah, I’m gonna miss this….and now I’m over it.”  It’s time to say goodbye to kids peeing in their pants in class and waist-high children headbutting me in the testicles.   Now I’ll have to settle for large classes of 20-year old women hanging onto my every word as the ultimate purveyor of knowledge and truth.

I’d like to take this time to do a retrospective on my 5 years as an elementary school teacher.  What will I miss?  Perhaps my wisdom will act as a beacon of light in your otherwise dark existence.

1.  Going into the bathroom at school, seeing the toilet seat down, and asking myself, “I wonder what surprise is under there today.”

2.  The special student, Hannah, who would pick large, wet, slimy boogers out of her nose and chase me around the classroom, attempting to rub them on me.  Or when she wasn’t in class, the frequent pop-ins where she’d open the door to my classroom and let our a terrific screech, like a velociraptor, and then quickly slam the door shut and run away.

3.  The cool 6th grade boys who, as soon as they’re out of my classroom and surrounded by girls, shout insults at me in Korean (knowing I don’t understand) while the girls try to not to laugh.  What I won’t miss:  not being able to suplex them on the concrete.

4.  Public school bathrooms lacking climate control due to budgetary reasons.  In the winter, I sit down on the toilet wearing my ski jacket, some thick gloves, and fluffy ear muffs.  In the summer, I strip off my shirt and hang it on the hook to prevent heat stroke.

5.  Corrupting young minds with my rogue ideologies; brush your teeth just once per day while also demanding more snacks, preferably Jello pudding.

That’s it for now; this list will be updated throughout the day as I sit in my office reflecting (snoring loudly) over these last 5 great years.

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Filed under comedy, Education, ESL, Humour, Travel

Valentine’s Day Tips for Ladies

First you need to get a new cell phone number; a number your significant other, or the boy you’re stalking, doesn’t know.  Throughout the day, send him romantic and flirty messages like, “you can’t hide from me, mother f***er!”, “we will be together or die together”, and my personal favorite, “i will cut a whole in you like the hole you put in my heart”.

Wait until after midnight, resist the temptation to see him earlier, then show up at his house.  Your first instinct may be to throw a brick through his window, but you’d be wrong.  Creep your way across his lawn to his bedroom window.  Blow on the glass to give it a good misting.  Then draw a heart with your initials and his and the words “til Death”.  Tap on the glass loudly a few times and run for cover behind the bushes.  It’s okay to giggle maniacally at him as he stares frantically out the window with a look of fear on his face.

Let him relax slowly and drift back into sleep.  Remove the lock picking kit from your purse and enter via the back or front door, it’s your choice.

Once inside, break a few dishes and let out a high pitch screech to wake him from his slumber.

Sit down at his kitchen table and remove the butcher knife from your purse.  Be sure it’s still adequately covered in (you choose one or more of the following) chicken blood, your own blood, or the blood of his beloved dog, Frankie-J.

Begin your ritualized pagan chanting, interspersed with a few good cackles, and wait for him to come running into the kitchen.

I don’t think I have to tell you what comes next, but it’s something like “…and they lived happily ever after.”

Happy Valentine’s Day!

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Filed under comedy, Dating, Humour