I have just a few days left of teaching children. I have spent approximately 5 years educating young minds; ages 4 to 14. This all comes to an end this Friday, February 19th. My next employer is a private women’s university located in central Seoul, South Korea.
I can look back and honestly say, “Yeah, I’m gonna miss this….and now I’m over it.” It’s time to say goodbye to kids peeing in their pants in class and waist-high children headbutting me in the testicles. Now I’ll have to settle for large classes of 20-year old women hanging onto my every word as the ultimate purveyor of knowledge and truth.
I’d like to take this time to do a retrospective on my 5 years as an elementary school teacher. What will I miss? Perhaps my wisdom will act as a beacon of light in your otherwise dark existence.
1. Going into the bathroom at school, seeing the toilet seat down, and asking myself, “I wonder what surprise is under there today.”
2. The special student, Hannah, who would pick large, wet, slimy boogers out of her nose and chase me around the classroom, attempting to rub them on me. Or when she wasn’t in class, the frequent pop-ins where she’d open the door to my classroom and let our a terrific screech, like a velociraptor, and then quickly slam the door shut and run away.
3. The cool 6th grade boys who, as soon as they’re out of my classroom and surrounded by girls, shout insults at me in Korean (knowing I don’t understand) while the girls try to not to laugh. What I won’t miss: not being able to suplex them on the concrete.
4. Public school bathrooms lacking climate control due to budgetary reasons. In the winter, I sit down on the toilet wearing my ski jacket, some thick gloves, and fluffy ear muffs. In the summer, I strip off my shirt and hang it on the hook to prevent heat stroke.
5. Corrupting young minds with my rogue ideologies; brush your teeth just once per day while also demanding more snacks, preferably Jello pudding.
That’s it for now; this list will be updated throughout the day as I sit in my office reflecting (snoring loudly) over these last 5 great years.