Tag Archives: hilarious

Powers’ Wisdom. Gospel? Not quite, but close.

I have just a few days left of teaching children.  I have spent approximately 5 years educating young minds; ages 4 to 14.  This all comes to an end this Friday, February 19th.  My next employer is a private women’s university located in central Seoul, South Korea.

I can look back and honestly say, “Yeah, I’m gonna miss this….and now I’m over it.”  It’s time to say goodbye to kids peeing in their pants in class and waist-high children headbutting me in the testicles.   Now I’ll have to settle for large classes of 20-year old women hanging onto my every word as the ultimate purveyor of knowledge and truth.

I’d like to take this time to do a retrospective on my 5 years as an elementary school teacher.  What will I miss?  Perhaps my wisdom will act as a beacon of light in your otherwise dark existence.

1.  Going into the bathroom at school, seeing the toilet seat down, and asking myself, “I wonder what surprise is under there today.”

2.  The special student, Hannah, who would pick large, wet, slimy boogers out of her nose and chase me around the classroom, attempting to rub them on me.  Or when she wasn’t in class, the frequent pop-ins where she’d open the door to my classroom and let our a terrific screech, like a velociraptor, and then quickly slam the door shut and run away.

3.  The cool 6th grade boys who, as soon as they’re out of my classroom and surrounded by girls, shout insults at me in Korean (knowing I don’t understand) while the girls try to not to laugh.  What I won’t miss:  not being able to suplex them on the concrete.

4.  Public school bathrooms lacking climate control due to budgetary reasons.  In the winter, I sit down on the toilet wearing my ski jacket, some thick gloves, and fluffy ear muffs.  In the summer, I strip off my shirt and hang it on the hook to prevent heat stroke.

5.  Corrupting young minds with my rogue ideologies; brush your teeth just once per day while also demanding more snacks, preferably Jello pudding.

That’s it for now; this list will be updated throughout the day as I sit in my office reflecting (snoring loudly) over these last 5 great years.

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Filed under comedy, Education, ESL, Humour, Travel

Paruresis — It’s real and it’s affecting at least one American everyday (that would be me)

From Wikipedia:

Paruresis also known as pee shyness, shy kidney, bashful bladder, stage fright, urinophobia or shy bladder syndrome is a type of social anxiety disorder, that can affect both men and women, in which the sufferer is unable to urinate in the (real or imaginary) presence of others, such as in a public restroom.

Paruresis goes beyond simple shyness, embarrassment, or desire for privacy in that it is much more severe and may cause unnecessary inconvenience, because the inability to urinate, although psychological in origin, is physical in its effect, and not under the control of the sufferer. Paruresis can be mild, moderate or severe. In mild cases, paruresis is an occasional event, like a form of subconscious performance anxiety. Some may find that they are unable to urinate while in moving vehicles. In severe cases, a person with paruresis can urinate only when alone at home.

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First written Jan. 2008, revised Feb. 16, 2010.

I’m standing in the middle of a random bathroom in a random downtown Seoul building. The bathroom is immaculate. Despite the hygienic appearance, there is an awful odor of rotten eggs and dookie. Sky blue tiles cover the floor and walls. There is one sink and two empty urinals. The only stall is taken by an elderly Korean man. He is grunting and mumbling in Korean, trying with all his might to have a bowel movement. As I stand outside the stall waiting for him, I picture him clutching a tall glass of orange-flavored Metamucil, praying to Buddha for sweet relief.

I suppose I could use the urinal. I could be in and out in 30 seconds, long before the old man emerges from the poopoo cave. Despite the apparent benefits, I can’t force myself to use the urinal. I approach the left one slowly, fingering my zipper nervously. “Just do it,” I tell myself, “just pee.” My brains says do it, but my body resists.

As I wait for the colonically congested old geezer, I take a moment to reflect on my unreasonable fear. Where did it come from? When did it first manifest itself?

I’ve been peeing free for years. Continue reading

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The Cast of Characters

Occurred August 2007, Written Sept. 2007, Revised Feb. 16, 2010.

In August 2007, I took a job at a “prestigious” (it was self-proclaimed, never actually proven) private English academy in Seoul.  I had a good feeling about this place.  The salary was extremely high and, unlike previous schools, it had a large number of foreign teachers.

It didn’t take long before I figured out something was wrong.  This school wasn’t all it promised to be.  There was an almost tangible tension floating between different sects of foreign teachers, not to mention Korean management that believed in working you until you bled.

When you travel and live overseas, you’re bound to meet an assortment of odd people and this school was no different.  They include, but are not limited to, the manic depressive, the hyperactive, and the socially repulsive.  Some can be fun and interesting and others need long intensive therapy sessions with strong antidepressants they can suck on like Tic Tacs.

The 20 foreign teachers at my school could be seperated into three categories:  the assholes (the largest constituency), the downtrodden, and the morbidly obese.
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Valentine’s Day Tips for Ladies

First you need to get a new cell phone number; a number your significant other, or the boy you’re stalking, doesn’t know.  Throughout the day, send him romantic and flirty messages like, “you can’t hide from me, mother f***er!”, “we will be together or die together”, and my personal favorite, “i will cut a whole in you like the hole you put in my heart”.

Wait until after midnight, resist the temptation to see him earlier, then show up at his house.  Your first instinct may be to throw a brick through his window, but you’d be wrong.  Creep your way across his lawn to his bedroom window.  Blow on the glass to give it a good misting.  Then draw a heart with your initials and his and the words “til Death”.  Tap on the glass loudly a few times and run for cover behind the bushes.  It’s okay to giggle maniacally at him as he stares frantically out the window with a look of fear on his face.

Let him relax slowly and drift back into sleep.  Remove the lock picking kit from your purse and enter via the back or front door, it’s your choice.

Once inside, break a few dishes and let out a high pitch screech to wake him from his slumber.

Sit down at his kitchen table and remove the butcher knife from your purse.  Be sure it’s still adequately covered in (you choose one or more of the following) chicken blood, your own blood, or the blood of his beloved dog, Frankie-J.

Begin your ritualized pagan chanting, interspersed with a few good cackles, and wait for him to come running into the kitchen.

I don’t think I have to tell you what comes next, but it’s something like “…and they lived happily ever after.”

Happy Valentine’s Day!

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Filed under comedy, Dating, Humour

Same Same, But Different

Vacation to Thailand.  Occurred Jan. 23 – Feb. 1, 2010, Written Feb. 10, 2010.

Day 1

Thailand was supposed to be the greatest vacation ever.  My spirits were high as I imagined a vacation of epic proportions.  It had so many things going for it.  For starters, a university buddy of mine, Grant, who I hadn’t seen in years was to meet me in Bangkok.  Plus I had a good friend, Isaac, who lived in Bangkok.  After a weekend of tom-foolery and wild debaucheries in Bangkok, Grant and I would head to Kho Pha Ngan, the Thai island famous for full moon parties and other forms of trouble (both legal and not so legal).  I would throw the guide book in trash can and let the wind guide the two of us; two handsome bachelors on a whirlwind tour of Southeast Asia.

Sadly, Grant grant canceled just 10 days before the trip.  He cited work and girlfriend conflicts.  This was a disaster.  What was I supposed to do? I sulked and whined.  A huge problem was I couldn’t go to Kho Pha Ngan anymore.  Without Grant to split the bill with, I couldn’t afford the hotels and there would be no discount on air travel that I would have gotten by purchasing two tickets.  Where was I gonna go?  How would I get there?  Argh!

After a couple hours of non-productive whining, I decided I needed a change of heart.  I was suffering from severe culture shock from living in Korea and I needed a temporary reprieve to recharge my batteries.

I was going on this vacation no matter what and damn it, I was going to have a good time too!  Continue reading

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Life with TSB — I’m a Survivor

Occurred October-November 2009; Written January 2010.  Part 2 of 2.

If you read my previous post, you’re aware that my father has an uncanny ability at medical diagnosis.  He informed me I was afflicted with TSB; Toxic Sperm Buildup.  It occurs when a male has no girlfriend, no dates, and no prospects.  It results in no sex; hence the sperm buildup.  The disease’s side effects include, but are not limited to, a general sense of unease, self-loathing, and a trash can filled with violated fruit.

A week or two later, I was able to look back and chuckle at my dad’s email.  Perhaps he had a valid point.  If I’m ever going to get out of this funk, I have to make things happen for myself.  I can’t sit at home masturbating to internet porn and call it companionship.

I need to dust myself off and get back in the game.  It had been 2 years since I asked a girl on a date now was the time to change.  I went out for drinks with the guys that night, but was always thinking about my TSB and how to cure it.  After 13 or 14 beers and arriving home, I decided NOW was the moment to do something about it.  I wasn’t going to ask friends to introduce me to their single lady friends.  No, I needed something now.  I was motivated (and alcohol handicapped) and needed to act.  Like so many other desperate men my age, I sent out some emails to a few lucky ladies on MySpace.

The ladies were chosen for very good reasons, things you can really build a relationship on.  In other words, all of their profile pictures were them sitting around in their bras, bikinis, or low cut shirts.

I felt great as I tucked myself in and gave a little snuggle time to my favorite friend.  I imagined waking up in the morning with a full Inbox and dates lined up for every night of the week.  Cindy, the beautiful girl from Arizona and living in Seoul, seemed the most likely candidate for marriage and carrying my offspring.  I slept soundly and I’m pretty sure with a smile on my face.

16 hours later, I awoke.  My pain could only be compared to childbirth.  Continue reading

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She’s A Keeper

Occurred November 2009, Written February 2010.

I currently live in Seoul, South Korea. I will let that sink in for a moment. Breathe it in. Oh yeah, pretty awesome.

Many months ago, I broke up with my non-Korean and very Jewish Canadian girlfriend. She was beautiful and insane. We suffered each others existence for a year and a half. Recently I made the decision to start dating again.

I was ready to put my emotions on the line; to take a risk for love. If you’re not lovin’, you’re not livin’ (You can put that on a fortune cookie, I won’t sue).

Or was it because Mr. Dangles demanded it? Anyways, Mr. Dangles or not, I was going to give it another go.

As someone very experienced in the dating world, I can say with 100% certainty that the best place to meet women is the internet. It’s a gold mine of insecurities, lack of self-respect, and women who take pictures of themselves in their underwear and then ask, “Why don’t men respect me?” This was where I was going to find the future Mrs. Powers.

Long story short, I met a young lady named Choeun. Choeun is a brilliant artist and a very attractive woman. We exchanged emails and decided to meet in person. Choeun lived 3 hours south of me. I imagined that we would have to meet halfway in the middle and I would spend over $100 on a train ticket to see a woman I had never met before. Luckily, Choeun hates herself and is desperate for male approval, so she hopped on a train and met me in Seoul.
Continue reading

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