Tag Archives: Valentine

Valentine’s Day Tips for Ladies

First you need to get a new cell phone number; a number your significant other, or the boy you’re stalking, doesn’t know.  Throughout the day, send him romantic and flirty messages like, “you can’t hide from me, mother f***er!”, “we will be together or die together”, and my personal favorite, “i will cut a whole in you like the hole you put in my heart”.

Wait until after midnight, resist the temptation to see him earlier, then show up at his house.  Your first instinct may be to throw a brick through his window, but you’d be wrong.  Creep your way across his lawn to his bedroom window.  Blow on the glass to give it a good misting.  Then draw a heart with your initials and his and the words “til Death”.  Tap on the glass loudly a few times and run for cover behind the bushes.  It’s okay to giggle maniacally at him as he stares frantically out the window with a look of fear on his face.

Let him relax slowly and drift back into sleep.  Remove the lock picking kit from your purse and enter via the back or front door, it’s your choice.

Once inside, break a few dishes and let out a high pitch screech to wake him from his slumber.

Sit down at his kitchen table and remove the butcher knife from your purse.  Be sure it’s still adequately covered in (you choose one or more of the following) chicken blood, your own blood, or the blood of his beloved dog, Frankie-J.

Begin your ritualized pagan chanting, interspersed with a few good cackles, and wait for him to come running into the kitchen.

I don’t think I have to tell you what comes next, but it’s something like “…and they lived happily ever after.”

Happy Valentine’s Day!

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